Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You smell like stripper and shame
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
