dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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