I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
