I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
