i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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