At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
