tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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