...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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