So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
