I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
