The maid of honor just puked.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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