The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you didnt know i had herpes?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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