capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
