i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
