there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
