And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
They took my balls.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
