The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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