I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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