I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
