i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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