I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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