My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize