OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize