Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you win again, gameday.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
