soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
