I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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