Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
