someone threw a dead crab at me
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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