I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
