she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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