My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
