do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
