I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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