Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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