please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
