i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
