She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
