he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize