Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't want my vagina anymore.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
