He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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