just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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