Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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