my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
