is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Found the puke drawer
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
