Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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