Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
