I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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