i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
