i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I touched a dick in church today
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
