you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
