booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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