I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize