the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
