she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
