"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize