So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
