When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
