Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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