i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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