there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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