You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
