We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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