did you get engaged???
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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