New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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