so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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